Suicide sucks

I am going to cry.
tonight.
tomorrow night.
probably for about a month.
Everytime I think about how alone you must have felt.
Everytime I wonder what I could have said, have done, have been.
Everytime I see you.
Yeah, you failed.
You thought I would confirm your fears, and not believe.
I am so fucking mad at you right now.
I was here,
hell, we tried,
you bastard.
Reach out.
We love you.
You make this life better.
I love you.
I am glad you failed
I need you.
I love you
forever.
And when you get better,
I will fucking punch you.
Because the life without you
Doesn't bear thinking about.
You stupid fucking bastard.

Women take the flack

   Okay, don't get me wrong. I hate, hate, HATE dead beat parents. But why does it seem like a dead beat mom is looked at 100 times worse than a dead beat dad.

   Why does it seem like guys get a pass. As a guy whose father never gave a shit about him I was told, repeatedly, "you don't know his side", "Maybe your mom made it impossible", "until you've walked a mile", blah, de-blah, blah,blah. These are the same people who will treat moms without custody like dead beat moms whether they are or not.

Now take my friends ex-partner. She fought, and lost because of mental illness, custody of their child. She has never missed visitation. She pays child support. She works, and goes to university. Now I cannot stand her, BUT she has does right by their son. Yet, everyone acts like she must be a horrible person. WHY? Because the courts realized his father would be better as the guardian? LIKE he wanted? What a fucking double standard. People talk about how women get preferential treatment in the court system, yet treat moms who don't get custody like they must be absolutely worthless human beings.

Not really sure where I was going with this rant, but it pissed me off today.

It is that time of year, again.

And new year's resolutions are either being long forgotten, or held too.

Now don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with trying to make personal improvements, regardless of what time of a year you choose it. BUT around two weeks in is when those who have stuck too their resolution start deciding that it is their personal mission to turn their resolutions into other people's lifestyles.

I am so sick of hearing people talk about how they quit smoking cold turkey, or how since exercising the last two weeks they have SOOO much more energy. Or how they sleep better since giving up pop/caffeine/tea.

We get it. You had a bad habit that was bad for YOU. People can do the same thing YOU had a problem with in moderation.

With regards to personal growth, keep it personal. Make it about you. And congratulations on your self improvement.

 Me? Nah. Hell if I get much better I'll intimidate C;)

C is not very verbose about his feelings

Chris tends to be really non-verbal about his feelings. I mean you would swear our texts were between two not very friendly roommates. I guess it makes it all the more... well special when he mixes it up a bit.
My texts from today:
C: Did you pay the gas bill?
Me: yes, two weeks ago.
C: Did you need money?
Me: nah I'm good.
C: Just in case you forget, I love you.
Me, speechless.

C: Don't make a big deal of it. It was a message for the dog.

Me: asshole
C: Make reservations, K. I miss you.

Stresses of the season

   Okay, in terms of Christmas we don't have much stress caused by it. We pick up a couple of presents and we are pretty much done. In fact we have honed down our obligations to few and far between.  We have dinner at my Nonna's Christmas eve, My parents' Christmas day. At some point I may or may not see my father, it depends on how paternal he feels a given year.
   Now Chris on the other hand has a set of obligations trying to draw him in. I feel like he is the Godfather.

This summer his best friend's older brother died.  Now C was out west for the funeral, but ever since then he has been after some pretty heavy pressure from their friends to get together and celebrate his life. Sounds nice, right? Except, the guy was 30 and drank himself into an early grave. As C says they will all be sitting around talking with awe about how he could party with the rest of them ignoring that it killed him, because that would be uncomfortable.

   Plus, other than Shawn he doesn't really talk to the rest of them since he stopped drinking.
Apparently that WAS the thing they had in common.

Dead beat parents

Now, most of these will be directed to fathers, and that is because it is my experience. I am not claiming deadbeat mothers are any better, nor denying their existence. In fact of the four people who contributed to the list one of them did have a dead beat mother, and one dead beat parents all together.

So you decided to be an absentee father, and now that your kid is grown you cannot understand why your attempts to build a quasi-father-son relationship is not working. Here are some tips on what not to say to the child who grew up while you were too busy to be a father.
1. Don't talk about my mother. Ever. Unless it is to comment on how hard it must have been raising me without you helping,and what an amazing job she did.
2. Do not blame the courts' bias towards mothers for your meager visitation rights if you did not
a) Actively petition the court to more visitation or
b) Did not even take advantage of the visitation you had.

The cry of the dead beat. Always someone else's fault.

3. Don't disapprove of how I was raised. Your opportunity to see that I was "raised right" has long passed. If you chose not to take part in raising me, don't presume for a fucking second that you have the right to bitch about those who DID see fit to raise me.
4. Don't talk to me about how your child support was wasted. I had a roof over my head and food in my stomach. THAT is what child support is for.

5. Realize that I do not owe you anything. You made decisions. If you have come to regret them, so be it. If I choose to let you be part of my life do not feel that it is because I owe you that. Nope. It is because my mother raised me to be kind to those, even those who really don't deserve it.

Chris got in at one

See, Thursday was a cool night. I am trying to save money when I can, so the window was open for the cool breeze rather than the air conditioning.  It was around 5:30ish when "Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonk."
This horn just started, and kept fucking going. I waited, five minutes before admitting defeat and that  spending a few hours in bed with C the morning he gets home was just not going to happen. So I put on a pot of coffee for a change. Yep, it is the big change up when I go from my single serve Tassimo to the big coffee pot.
So it was not a great homecoming. But today we went to a rodeo with my friend Mel from school. Tomorrow we are having a barbecue at Kay's.  Yay for me, my personal designated driver is home, I can drink again!

Yeah, that special moment you know you are keeping him.

On Monday we are going to Wild Water Works with Ali and Kate. I am starting to wonder if I will get any one on one time with him on these weeks.