In one year I will not be here. I will (hopefully) be in Toronto, but possibly even in another province depending on where I get accepted. This we have always known. I guess I never really thought about how Chris felt about this, or where, if at all, he fit into my plan. In my mind I guess I never really put him and school together and realized that they don't fit. That is my excuse and I am sticking to it.
So we are at his place and just eating, and me typically talking and not thinking. So I'm explaining how I realize now how fucking competitive it is going to be to get in where I want and that I may have to go to Saskatchewan, Alberta or P.E.I. to go to school. "P.E.I.? Do you know how impossible it is to find a job there?"
"It's no big, I doubt I'll have time anyway. And it's not like I'm sticking around fucking P.E.I. after I get my degree."
"Well, how am I supposed to live there?" Well you could have knocked me fucking over. I never, really, never fucking thought about him and me and school all in the same moment in time. I think about our future, but never in relation to me leaving. "I mean Saskatchewan's good. There is tons of work there."
"You're gonna move along with me?" Okay, I'm not that bright.
"Well, maybe not then. Sorry, my bad. I didn't realize that I was going to get 'Thanks for the good time' postcards from you when you went off to college." I take full credit for his new found inner bitch.
"Hey, I just didn't think about it before. I never thought about the logistics of me moving away." But in my mind I thought wow, fucking awesome. He has thought about it. About living together, the future, that is awesome. Now if only my brain would have just left it alone. But my mind can be my biggest enemy, because rather than relax with an idea of unrealistic bliss in a future relationship I see the flaws. I see the impossibilities. "How are you going to explain to your parents that you are moving away?"
"I'm a big boy, J. My parents will understand that I take opportunities as they come." Well come on, I really did not expect him to tell them he is following his boyfriend, did I? Of course not. But I guess with him wanting to follow me I wanted something. Some movement forward from the closet from him. Some shifting to social acceptance. And in my mind it exploded into worse case scenarios and a realization that this is it. This is who I could end up with for my whole life. Not the C that I love. This big fucking closet case. This guy who wants me, but when it is okay. When it is acceptable. The rest of the time I don't exist, or I'm someone he's seeing, left to assume that someone is a woman. At his place I am his sometimes room mate.
Like a case of verbal diarrhoea I'm spewing all these fucking insecurities and fears that I never knew existed. That are maybe the reason I never let myself think too far ahead. I'm accusing him of doing shit he hasn't even done yet. In the end it pretty much was a knock down drag out fight for things he has not even fucking done. Not my finest moment. Oh, did I mention loud? It was very loud.
Anyway, I did eventually calm down and realized how unreasonable I was being. I mean here my boyfriend is basically letting me know he is planning a future with me and I am losing it on him for it. But in my mind I am seeing a future in the closet. Because the fact is, one person cannot be in a relationship with someone openly gay and hope to stay in his closet. I would have to change to not "out" him. Because the fact of it all is, two guys living together, one gay, the assumption is both gay. And once he is outed how is that going to affect me? Us? Resentment. So I change. Then what happens when his old friends visit? J gets to make himself scarce for the visit. Or fucking god forbid his parents.... J disappears for their visit.
And the future? What happens in five years? How do C's parents not wonder about their 30 something son who has never had a relationship? No woman to bring home? And I know these are his issues, but they will become mine if we are still in a relationship.
Most of all, I know I cannot live like that. Because the thoughts of it are already causing resentment. I fucking hate that he wants that life for me. And I hate that I feel like I am being a dick issuing ultimatums, but how can I not be? This is going to be a deal breaker for me. And I am trying really hard NOT to say that, but the bottom line is I think in the end I know if he does not come out all my deepest fears are going to manifest.
Of course then it is his turn to point out that I have things "easy" because his life is just so fucking complicated.... And so it continues.
Is there a specific reason he isn't coming out? Are his parents or friends particularly close-minded? Or is he just (relatively) new to "oh, woah there, I'm gay" (does that even happen?)
ReplyDeletePoint being, is coming out a matter of time or something he is going to flat out avoid?
I think it is nothing he will ever do on his own. He just "does not have a time frame" in his words. He has religious parents and his view is that his career would suffer if it ever got out.
ReplyDeleteOh Jamie, I can feel your impatience and anxiety completely. But I want to take on a male ego just for a nano-second. I know you care about C and he means a lot to you. Give him some time, I reckon he has his own reasons and fears for staying "hidden". And until such time ... but I don't know if you want to push him away right now. It's your call sweetie. Whatever will make you happy and be more at peace.
ReplyDeleteI agree with PB, but I guess it must be hard for you to really understand where he is coming from on this because you were lucky enough to have parents who didn't have a problem with your lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteAnd maybe he will be different if you live somewhere else.
Jamie, two of my closest friends broke up last year over this very issue. One was not willing to tell her parents she is a lesbian and pretended to everyone that her girlfriend was her room mate. Her girlfriend, who is also my friend, was so hurt and felt really undervalued and disrespected. They talked about it heaps but they ended up going their separate ways. I hope things work out for you and Chris but they only will if they're meant to. Whatever happens, you will grow and gain strength from the outcome. You don't need to be reminded how important it is to keep the lines of communication open between the two of you. :)
ReplyDeleteoh jamie ... you know i know what it's like to be forced into the closet.
ReplyDelete:(
maybe he's just taking baby steps and will eventually come out. it took me forever b/c of the fear of the wrath of my family.
but the part to remember is that he loves you. you're allowed to have your feelings.
but you are loved and today, it's wonderful. i'm so happy he's looking at a future with you oxoxox
Thanks all of you. Yeah, I needed that feedback. I know I am the one being unreasonable. And this weekend I've decided to just not think. But you are all right. Today I am loved. And to give that up because the future ahead is not perfect is just stupid. After all, who knows what could happen in a year. Thanks for being my sounding board.
ReplyDeleteVery insightful, Jamie. I wish insight always went hand-in-hand with knowing what to do, what the right decision is to make.
ReplyDeleteI'm not one to really offer relationship advice, that would indeed be the blind leading the blind or some other more PC cliche I can't think of at the moment, but I would encourage you to do what's right for you. You owe people who you love *some* things, *some* times, *some* ways, but you owe it to yourself to be true to you always.
(Sending a good thought your way.)