Suicide sucks

I am going to cry.
tonight.
tomorrow night.
probably for about a month.
Everytime I think about how alone you must have felt.
Everytime I wonder what I could have said, have done, have been.
Everytime I see you.
Yeah, you failed.
You thought I would confirm your fears, and not believe.
I am so fucking mad at you right now.
I was here,
hell, we tried,
you bastard.
Reach out.
We love you.
You make this life better.
I love you.
I am glad you failed
I need you.
I love you
forever.
And when you get better,
I will fucking punch you.
Because the life without you
Doesn't bear thinking about.
You stupid fucking bastard.

Women take the flack

   Okay, don't get me wrong. I hate, hate, HATE dead beat parents. But why does it seem like a dead beat mom is looked at 100 times worse than a dead beat dad.

   Why does it seem like guys get a pass. As a guy whose father never gave a shit about him I was told, repeatedly, "you don't know his side", "Maybe your mom made it impossible", "until you've walked a mile", blah, de-blah, blah,blah. These are the same people who will treat moms without custody like dead beat moms whether they are or not.

Now take my friends ex-partner. She fought, and lost because of mental illness, custody of their child. She has never missed visitation. She pays child support. She works, and goes to university. Now I cannot stand her, BUT she has does right by their son. Yet, everyone acts like she must be a horrible person. WHY? Because the courts realized his father would be better as the guardian? LIKE he wanted? What a fucking double standard. People talk about how women get preferential treatment in the court system, yet treat moms who don't get custody like they must be absolutely worthless human beings.

Not really sure where I was going with this rant, but it pissed me off today.

It is that time of year, again.

And new year's resolutions are either being long forgotten, or held too.

Now don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with trying to make personal improvements, regardless of what time of a year you choose it. BUT around two weeks in is when those who have stuck too their resolution start deciding that it is their personal mission to turn their resolutions into other people's lifestyles.

I am so sick of hearing people talk about how they quit smoking cold turkey, or how since exercising the last two weeks they have SOOO much more energy. Or how they sleep better since giving up pop/caffeine/tea.

We get it. You had a bad habit that was bad for YOU. People can do the same thing YOU had a problem with in moderation.

With regards to personal growth, keep it personal. Make it about you. And congratulations on your self improvement.

 Me? Nah. Hell if I get much better I'll intimidate C;)

C is not very verbose about his feelings

Chris tends to be really non-verbal about his feelings. I mean you would swear our texts were between two not very friendly roommates. I guess it makes it all the more... well special when he mixes it up a bit.
My texts from today:
C: Did you pay the gas bill?
Me: yes, two weeks ago.
C: Did you need money?
Me: nah I'm good.
C: Just in case you forget, I love you.
Me, speechless.

C: Don't make a big deal of it. It was a message for the dog.

Me: asshole
C: Make reservations, K. I miss you.

Stresses of the season

   Okay, in terms of Christmas we don't have much stress caused by it. We pick up a couple of presents and we are pretty much done. In fact we have honed down our obligations to few and far between.  We have dinner at my Nonna's Christmas eve, My parents' Christmas day. At some point I may or may not see my father, it depends on how paternal he feels a given year.
   Now Chris on the other hand has a set of obligations trying to draw him in. I feel like he is the Godfather.

This summer his best friend's older brother died.  Now C was out west for the funeral, but ever since then he has been after some pretty heavy pressure from their friends to get together and celebrate his life. Sounds nice, right? Except, the guy was 30 and drank himself into an early grave. As C says they will all be sitting around talking with awe about how he could party with the rest of them ignoring that it killed him, because that would be uncomfortable.

   Plus, other than Shawn he doesn't really talk to the rest of them since he stopped drinking.
Apparently that WAS the thing they had in common.

Dead beat parents

Now, most of these will be directed to fathers, and that is because it is my experience. I am not claiming deadbeat mothers are any better, nor denying their existence. In fact of the four people who contributed to the list one of them did have a dead beat mother, and one dead beat parents all together.

So you decided to be an absentee father, and now that your kid is grown you cannot understand why your attempts to build a quasi-father-son relationship is not working. Here are some tips on what not to say to the child who grew up while you were too busy to be a father.
1. Don't talk about my mother. Ever. Unless it is to comment on how hard it must have been raising me without you helping,and what an amazing job she did.
2. Do not blame the courts' bias towards mothers for your meager visitation rights if you did not
a) Actively petition the court to more visitation or
b) Did not even take advantage of the visitation you had.

The cry of the dead beat. Always someone else's fault.

3. Don't disapprove of how I was raised. Your opportunity to see that I was "raised right" has long passed. If you chose not to take part in raising me, don't presume for a fucking second that you have the right to bitch about those who DID see fit to raise me.
4. Don't talk to me about how your child support was wasted. I had a roof over my head and food in my stomach. THAT is what child support is for.

5. Realize that I do not owe you anything. You made decisions. If you have come to regret them, so be it. If I choose to let you be part of my life do not feel that it is because I owe you that. Nope. It is because my mother raised me to be kind to those, even those who really don't deserve it.

Chris got in at one

See, Thursday was a cool night. I am trying to save money when I can, so the window was open for the cool breeze rather than the air conditioning.  It was around 5:30ish when "Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonk."
This horn just started, and kept fucking going. I waited, five minutes before admitting defeat and that  spending a few hours in bed with C the morning he gets home was just not going to happen. So I put on a pot of coffee for a change. Yep, it is the big change up when I go from my single serve Tassimo to the big coffee pot.
So it was not a great homecoming. But today we went to a rodeo with my friend Mel from school. Tomorrow we are having a barbecue at Kay's.  Yay for me, my personal designated driver is home, I can drink again!

Yeah, that special moment you know you are keeping him.

On Monday we are going to Wild Water Works with Ali and Kate. I am starting to wonder if I will get any one on one time with him on these weeks. 

Please and thank you

This may just be me but I find the term "please and thank you" ridiculously rude. No not "please" and "thank you", but "please and thank you". Probably because it is generally said among the most ridiculous and ignorant requests.Sometimes even some very reasonable requests, if they were, in fact requests, perhaps I may consider such things if ASKED, when ordered using "polite words", yeah, not so much.

Last time, the one that inspired this post.
A lady ahead of me :
"Uh, excuse me, I have a sleeping child in my cart, so if I could go ahead of you, please and thankyou," as she maneuvered her cart around me. Okay, I am not going to even mention how much  despise parents who seem to think the world should revolve around them because they decided to reproduce. Wow, totally did not mean to put that in italics, though it fits, so I'll keep it. Little Freudian there. But how fucking dare you decide you can just bi-pass a line when it is convenient for you. Your please and thank you was not polite, it may as well have been an "out of my way bitch", in fact, I may at least applaud your honesty more.

Working in a service industry guarantees that you will hear this a lot.
"I won't be able to get off until 5. So I'll be by at 6ish to pick her up, please and thank you." - from a client after being told that she would need to pick up her cat before three the day after she was spayed. How do these people manage in a world full of "hours of business" that may not be 100% conducive to your schedule? Do you really expect everyone to stick around for hours after their shift to make sure your schedule is not juggled?
I am sure I have about another dozen examples, but I think right right now I am going to go slide back into bed with Chris and sleep my morning away, if you will forgive me, please and thank you;)

Younger siblings

I don`t know if I am alone in this or not. But I look at my parents with my brothers and think "Who are these people?"
My parents, not to bitch, but did not give me spending money.  There was no "allowance". I had to earn it. Not that it is a bad thing. It taught me to be very independent. As a kid my friends would save for shit. If I wanted something, I went door to door to offer raking, shoveling, lawn cutting, etc. Those service that were free for my parents by mutual agreement (so I've been told).

So here was the conversation between my dad and my brother:
Hey, Bud, do me a favor and rake up the sticks in the front yard.
I don't feel like it.
I'll pay you.
How much?
$20 (seriously, for 1/2 hour of light labour? $20? My parents would not have let me gouge my neighbors like that)

Nah, I'm good.

What the actual fuck?

Have your actions back your words.

If there is one thing that really pisses me off is a person claiming one thing, then expressing the exact opposite through action or conversation.

Example 1: (And, yes, I know this guy)
"What I really hate about the gay community is how it is all about sex. What happened to people who wanted to build a relationship? Where are the people who want to get to know someone before jumping into bed with them?"

Has a grindr account that he uses regularly, and sends out dick-shots on a regular basis to multiple guys.

Do not get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with being open to sex. But don't pretend that your complaints about your community do not include you. It's like preaching about sobriety while you get drunk.

Example 2: (and yes, I, very briefly, knew this guy too)

"A couple people really hurt my feelings because they say they only follow me because I am good looking. I mean, I know I am not bad looking, but it is very insulting that these people don't care what I have to say"

OK, now this kid is a good looking kid. And I had him on my plus list as an acquaintance for about two days. I kind of thought, Jeez, that is kind of shitty. What rude people to say such a thing. So after a bunch of people assure him that he is very good looking, and how they really are there because of his great posts I actually go onto his page. That was the only post, ONLY ONE, that was not a picture of him, both as "modelling" shots and selfies. Yeah, not in my circles any more.

Example 3: (and yeah, we all know these guys)

The word "tolerant" and "intolerant" get tossed around a lot.

I see the line quite clearly.

Now say Mary lactose intolerant, and you and Mary are eating lunch, and you are enjoying a big old glass of milk.

Outcome #1; If you get mad at Mary for not drinking milk. If you insult her as a human being because she is inferior because she does not drink milk. If you try to force the restaurant to make everybody drink milk with their meal, because otherwise they are being intolerant of your tolerance.

Outcome #2; If you and Mary each enjoy your lunch, tolerating what is on each other's plate as their choice.

Outcome #3; Mary insists that you cannot drink milk, because she is intolerant. Yes, she realizes that you drinking milk really does not have any impact on her life, but she does not want anyone to be allowed to drink milk, because it makes her enjoy her lunch less.

If you are in either outcome #1 or #2, thank you are a douche, and should never use those words again, because you don't really understand what the words mean.

Why I hate Slut shaming

Yes, another one inspired by Stephanie.

There are a few reasons.

Firstly, and foremost, because I think what consenting adults choose to do with other consenting adults is NEVER any of my business.


Second, because it contributes to rape culture.

See when women are shamed for their sexuality, and told that they are less than other women (especially BY other women) you know who are listening? Boys. Boys who are learning by watching slut shaming that some girls "ask for it" by how they are dressed. That girls who dress or act a certain way are not good, are not WORTH anything.

And leads to
<-------- attacked.="" basic="" be="" body.="" deserve="" deserved="" do="" fucked="" girls="" mind="" not="" own="" p="" people="" raped.="" rights="" set="" some="" tells="" that="" the="" their="" they="" this="" to="" up="" want="" what="" with="">

Yep, same attitude.

Do you know who else? Girls. Girls who are being taught the same misogynistic double-standard bullshit that women should not be comfortable in their own body, with their own sexuality or they are "bad".  Women who are being taught that OTHER people should be making decisions for them about sex.  And they are being taught that people are raped because they deserve it, which is why 54% of rapes go unreported.


Thirdly, everyone deserves respect. In fact, even if you do not believe they respect themselves, that does not give you the right to disrespect them.

Inspiration from Stephanie

I read this post:

http://reasonexrhyme.blogspot.ca/2014/03/is-yesterday-still-friend.html

It really tapped into how I feel about relationships. More than once I have heard the words on a break up that they "wasted" the time with their former partner. I have always found this very sad. Is the value in a relationship only where it ends up? If you spend 2 years dating, living, loving another human being, does that time become worthless when you decide to move on without them?

Now I understand if someone lied about your relationship and where it was heading, but do we all just do things for the tomorrow?

I am not saying we should not plan for our future. Homework needs to be done. Bills need to be paid. I know I have to stop drinking at 10 if I want to get up at 6 sober(ish).  But it seems a little mercenary to devote your relationship to the bottom line.

   Well, I don't think living without regrets is possible. How can you live your life not wishing you had said something and didn't? Wishing someone  was in your life who no longer is? Wishing you had kept your mouth shut?  

But every person I have ever had a relationship with, for a time, I gained from that relationship, regardless of whether it was friendship, lover, boss, teacher or student. And when I have stopped gaining, when there was nothing else there, the relationship has come to an end. It happens. Does that sound mercenary? If I am not gaining by that relationship neither are they. People drift apart, where they are no longer people who can gain from each other.

   Maybe this is why people feel there time is wasted. But then you should not really feel that you wasted your time, because you never invested yourself. 

My all time favorite cheesy line:

Because time with someone who you love yourself with can never be wasted

A belated happy Valentine's day.

Can it possibly be half way through February and my first post of the year? Man, I suck.  I've been, well, in a weird kind of place. I would say a funk, but that is usually a negative thing, and I am not in a negative place. Not really a positive either.  I guess I am in a nice comfortable rut.  C and I are very much becoming creatures of habit.  And it is a good thing. We have his work, my school, a schedule for studying, even regular places to go out.  The problem with this is, that it seems like any deviation from this schedule throws C into a frenzy.  Oh, yeah, nothing he likes better than knowing EXACTLY where he will be three weeks from Monday at 7:15PM.

It is my fault really.  Since school started back I have been lazy.  No, not just lazy.  FUCKING lazy.

Not that I have not been getting my shit done. It is just that I have not really made any effort to do new things.  To take us out of our comfort zone.  And let's face it, C ain't going to.  So tonight, when he thinks we are going to order Chinese and do a white load of laundry (because, yeah, Saturday night is when he does the whites, I mean, who fucking schedules that?) we will instead be going out to a sushi place we have not been to since we started dating.  We then are meeting up with my friends for a "Ghostwalk". Yeah, I know. Anyone who knows me know I don't believe in supernatural shit, but, it is also a historical tour of a very cool place, so when I was asked I thought it might be fun. Yeah, and free, because I am cheap.  Long story why, but hey, free is good.

I am hoping this is the start of a new thing.  Because schedules tend to make me lazy. Because I do follow them, then nothing else.  Bare minimum, that is like my super power.

There are things every couple should not do together

It is different for every couple.  For example, my parents do not put things together in the room with each other. It is either a mom project or a dad project. My mother claims to have discovered this putting together their first "television unit".

In case you are too young to remember when TVs took a lot of space with big accessories.  Picture those covered in VHS tapes and that was my house until my parents were dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century.  

Now mine with C is a little different. I hate driving with him. We are... how do I put this. Yeah, he's fucking nuts on the road. The road rage in him is strong. Plus he is a real aggressive driver. If I am unfortunate to have a run in with a driver like him they tend to get the old Trudeau salute.

And yet he is amazed when he cuts someone off and gets the finger. The easy solution would be for me to just drive, right? Well only if I tie and gag him in his seat. Not that am against bondage, but there is a time and place. He will not shut the fuck up and just let me drive. I actually love to drive and am a very good NON-AGGRESSIVE driver. I am not slow, or overly passive, I just don't think I win some fucking race by cutting some guy off to get there 2 minutes quicker. I value my and other lives more than those 2 minutes.

Don't get me even started on Christmas shopping when he is hungry.

I hate when C works weekends (a bit of a gushy post)

It was not so bad during the summer, I had no commitments.  If anything I liked having a "weekend" while everyone else was busy working.  It gave us more hours to do what we wanted.  Restaurants were less busy.  As were stores.  BUT, now that I am in school through the week, fuck that.  About once every six weeks C has to work the entire weekend, which means he will have all day off tomorrow... and guess who has two thumbs and a butt load of classes.  This guy!

The other day someone told me that the whole opposite's attract thing is really a myth.  See people need to have lots of things in common to be able to have things to talk about.  I don't see that  as necessarily true.  If you have the same interests, if you geek out in the same way, why do you even need to talk.  I really think C and I have so much to talk about is because we are so very different.
I mean think about it, how boring would life be if you were partnered with an individual just like you?  I'm pretty sure one of us would be dead by now.  C is a peace keeper.  I am a shit disturber, though I try not to in a bad way.  C is a calm problem solver, and while I am getting better, I still tend to be rather reactionary. C is a planner, where me, I am more of a fly by the seat of my pants kind of guy. But our interests are widely different too.
Chris is ... I am almost embarrassed to admit it.  I can't believe I actually love him in spite of this huge character flaw.... but, he's a Dr. Who fan. But I try not to let that really impact on our relationship negatively.  Hell, I even recorded the 50 Anniversary episode, because I am all kinds of awesomeness.

Chris was raised in bat-shit crazy born again christian, talking in tongues, laying on hands healing, faith filled home.  My parents, Yeah, not so much.

He is blue collar and damn proud of his job.

Now, for me this is probably a pretty gushy post. If you have read this for long you may think I pick on C a lot.  But, hello, I married the man, didn't I?  Obviously he has short comings, but those pale to his good points.  I have 3 rules that are deal killer in a relationship.

1. Must be out, I do not deal with closet cases. (Okay, I broke that rule with C, but we've fixed that)

2. Must NOT be a sports fan.  Watching an occasional game I can handle.  Team jerseys and crap all over the place, no, get a life that involves YOU.

3. while must be an atheist is a bit harsh, must have a reasonable doubt about supernatural.

Oh, yeah, and HOT.  C got away a little from rule 1 because he made up for it in rule 4;)

I have lost my mojo

Meh, it happens.

So I just wanted to let you all know I'm still alive:)

Went Christmas shopping for C today.  On a list of three things to get, managed one.... barely.  The other two things are no longer available.  So I gotta come up with some new ideas.  He is the hardest person to buy for.  To make it worse my mom wants me to come up with something she can buy him for christmas.

Man Flu

Yep, C had it.  OMFG, did he have it.  Generally he is not a whiner.... no really.  But sweet holy hell, this time it was like "My throat hurts my ears itch, it feel like I swallowed razor-blades, Am I hotter, am I hotter, am I hotter."  Heaven for-fucking-bid I mentioned in passing being tired.  OR having a head ache (hint hint as to what caused it).
I don't know what happened.  One year ago he was this stoic guy who would suffer in silence.... what happened to that guy?  
 Well it's over.

So this morning I woke up with a throbbing head and horrible throat.  Do you know what he had the unmitigated GALL to say?  "Jesus J I just had it for a week, you didn't hear me complain".

Are you fucking serious?

Not happening.

SO C was off today.  I get home and he has done all the laundry.
C: Your laundry is on top of they dryer.  Your shirts are on top.  You should put them away before they get all wrinkled.

Yeah, that is so not an issue with me.  I iron clothes.  Clothes need shape, not just to be not wrinkled.  Anyway, I am just in from school.
Me: Yeah just give me 15 minutes.  Then I'll put them away after dinner.

C puts the basket from the dryer on to the table.  "You know if you did it now it would be done."

Oh, I so don't think that is happening.

Yep, and if I do it later it will be done then.

10 minutes later, he sighs, because now it is driving his OCD crazy having a basket of clothes on the table.

Fine, I'll just put it away then.

Back in my day....

Worst words in the human language. 

On my G plus I came across this with this as an introduction:
Parties are so freaking boring nowadays. Just yesterday I went to a party and it was full of zombies. No one was dancing, no one was having fun. WTF

Predictably starting a bunch of "back in my day" bullshit.  I mean, really?  Progress bitches.  

Lots of assumptions.  First, that this was what the party was like rather than someone saying "I just posted a picture of us on facebook" and everyone going to take a look, or them playing on line together, or recording videos.  It seems that older people are so quick to jump on kids for doing things differently than they did in "back in my day".  Well it isn't your day anymore.  How about you let kids be kids and figure out what they like to do, like you did back in your day.  Remember when you would hear those words from your parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, etc?  Remember how you thought "wow, cool, we should do that too?"  No?  Me neither.

Parenting.

Okay, now I know I am not a parent, never will be, which is probably why parents (especially friends who become parents) drive me insane.  Not all.Hell, I have one friend who is raising his child single-handedly after the mom decided she was not ready to be a mom and wanted to put the kid up for adoption at 6 months old.  Now that is fucked up.

But I digress.  So let me start again.  Why do people change so radically when they become parents?  Now I am not talking about becoming more responsible, or not partying like they used to.  I am talking HUGE changes that make you barely recognize your friend.

The God factor.  This is the first one I became aware of.  My friend in high school got pregnant, had her baby, and suddenly *BOOM* hard core Christian.  And, no, not like bless you Christian, but YOU ARE GOING TO HELL Christian.  She tried to rewrite history of herself as the second virgin mother.  Sorry sweets, I remember you at 15.  She is now homeschooling her little angel because she does not want her child exposed to ... well, life I guess.  Not that I am opposed to homeschooling, if you have the tools (brains) to teach your child properly.

The villiage must raise him.  This is the next one.  Now don't get me wrong.  I do believe that we, as a society, do need to step up and take a more active role in mentoring the youth today.  But the point of the village raising a child, is that others get to input their skills, their views, there morals in the child.  So your child learns about diversity, and understands that different is not necessarily wrong.  The problem is when these parents seem to think the world should change to accommodate what they want their child to learn.  Yeah, these are the parents who demand that Glee be taken off the air, are offended by turbans and hijabs (though they put that cross around their kids neck), and wonder aloud at how DARE Miley Cyrus dance like that when her daughter looks up to Hannah Montana (and seriously: letting a Disney kid be your child's idol?  Have we learned nothing from Lindsay Lohan?)

Then there are the people who suddenly become a non-entity.  Every conversation is about this kid.  If you try to discuss the world they have to give you and opinion based on "Well as a mother/father", like by sheer act of giving birth or impregnating another your opinion should carry more weight.  Yeah, it doesn't.  Frankly all you have proven is that you can have sex.  Yeah, me too.  Get over yourself.

So to all you parents out there who managed to stay true to themselves:  Great job.  Yeah, this kid I have no worries about.  Dad level: Awesome.