Yes, I am still here

Well, it has taken me some time to come to peace with he fact that some people are just fucking idiots.  Meh.  I'm grateful to Chris who had to tolerate me.  Usually he is the miserable beastie I have to tame, not so much this last week.  Funny thing he works way different than I do.  He doesn't do it with strokes to the ego among other places.  No, he does it by driving me insane through stupidity, until I am laughing so hard at him I forget my misery.
   Part of why he got his apartment as such a stellar price is that he takes care of the lawn maintenance.  8 AM Sunday morning I wake up to "You gonna help me do the grass?"
   "You cannot cut the grass at 8 on a Sunday morning."
   "I'm cutting it while it's still cool."
   "No you are fucking not.  Seriously C, your neighbours will hate you.  I will hate you on principle.  I am not fucking the kind of guy who would mow the lawn at 8 in the fucking morning on a god damned Sunday fucking morning."  He did not mow the lawn until 10.  But I think he does things like that to just drive me crazy.  And because it amuses him to see how much I can swear in a single sentence.  I got skills, skills I tell you, mad skills.

   So school starts on Tuesday.  I can't wait.  Seriously.  I thought I would enjoy the break but my plan was to spend time with C and maybe take a trip to Toronto.  C spent time with the parents and T is no longer speaking to me, so Toronto is out.  I wish I could say we are not speaking to each other, but I honestly have no clue WHY I became the demon in his break up with his BF.  I mean I met the guy twice, and both times we got on all right.  Part of me thinks T is just looking for someone to blame.  What evs.
   So I am looking forward to getting back in my nice comfortable groove.  During school there is a comfort in the predictability and I am DYING to see some of my friends who went home for the summer.  Awesome.

Way to fight the stereotypes

I am always amused when I get called on not "fighting the stereotypes".  I'm gay, and I flame sometimes.  And sometimes I fit the stereotype, and sometimes I don't.  It's funny how I can get reamed out for not being "sensitive" enough (being gay I guess I should be), then get told off for being a shoe aficionado.  Both  amuse me.  I am not trying to live up to or put away any stereotypes.  I am who I am.  I am gay, not the way he is, he is, or he is, but the way I am.  To me being so careful of avoiding stereotypes... fuck I may as well have stayed in the closet.  I am not every queer.  I am no more going to avoid gay stereotypes than I avoid eating fried chicken.  To me, if I am living up to your stereotypes of gay men, maybe it is time to look at why you stereotype those things as gay.  It says far more about you than it does me.
And as for the gay guys out there who don't like how I portray gay, I tell you what, I won't tell you how to do it right, and you don't tell me.  Fuck, boys, we get enough shit in the world, do we really have to be such dicks to each other?

*Puts soap box away*.

What a sad day

Between the death of the passionate Canadian Jack Layton.  His passion for the change he encouraged us to be made him one politician I really felt was genuine.  I loved his humour.  Sad that he died so young.  I remember him for his time on MuchMusic as a kid, when he actually spoke to kids like they mattered.  Like they were the future.... go figure.
  Then the tornado in Goderich.  C's family is in Goderich so he is there today helping his parents with the clean up.  It kinda sucks because I was hoping to have time.... him laid off. Me out of school.  And a tornado ruins it all.  Why do all the bad things happen to me:P  Okay, crappy joke.

Well, Mother nature does not want me there

Cactus festival yesterday in Dundas.  I'm meeting friends who live there (can we say cha-ching).  Anyway, I get there and it is pissing out, so Kay decides that we can just hang out.  C actually came with.  It's amazing what my bitchiness can accomplish:P  Anyway, the sun comes out and it becomes hotter than hell.  Yay, we get to go to the festival.  So Kay feeds the kids and Off we are ready to go.... and it piss pours rain again:(  Finally we just figure it isn't going to happen.  So C and I head home.... and the sun comes out.  FML.  Oh well, I was too broke to buy anything anyway.
I was not to terribly interested anyway, very artsy, but C would have enjoyed it.

He's such a fucktard.

   A friend wrote about baby steps.  I cheer her on every step of the way.  I wonder why no one can appreciate how far she has come in her baby steps.
  Then I get impatient with C, and it takes me taking a step back and realize that he is on his own journey, and taking baby steps, while I am wanting him to run.  Who the fuck am I to have such high expectations?  Who the fuck am I to have any expectations at all?  C had his life all nice and easy, then I come in, and in my high handed way expect everything to change.  Like I am such a prize.
  C is not like me, shocker I know.  He's quite quiet.  His old friends go into two categories.  Old drinking buddies, or older friends from church growing up.  Granted the latter category are very minimal.  The old drinking buddies he has are always disappointed that he no longer drinks.  That leaves his one friend, who was YES an old drinking buddy, but also taught C everything he knows about tattooing and has done all his work.  So last night he was getting his leg piece finished up, and his buddy comments on the new apartment.  The clincher is Nelson.  C is not a cat person.  Not really an animal person at all.
   He asked about the "girl" he was seeing.  C told him about me.  Baby steps.  Yes, he's "seeing someone" named Jamie.  Oh, my, such honesty.  Sure, I guess it is not C's fault that his friend assumed Jamie was a girl.  But he sure as fuck did not correct him.  So?  What right do I really have to be pissed off?  None.  But it doesn't stop me from being pissed off.  Before he just didn't tell people about me.  That is better than lying about me.
   Baby steps.  I want to believe he had every intention of telling his friend about me, but then took the expedient escape hatch provided when the friend figured Jamie was of the female persuasion.   Except for the fact that he had to know that was going to happen.  Unless someone knows you're gay the assumption is straight.  And unless the subject of who you are seeing ends with a name I have to assume that a few feminine pronouns enforced the assumed sex of Jamie.
   In the future I must be careful what I wish for.  I wished for him to at least tell people I existed.  Well, I got that, just not the way I wanted it.  The poor stupid bastard still hasn't figured out WHY I am mad.  Fucktard. Well, he hasn't admitted to knowing why I am mad anyway.  I refuse to believe he is really stupid enough not to have picked up on the why.

While the parents are away.... and then not

   So, last night I get a phone call to say my parents are spending the night at my grandparents because the boys were asleep.  Ahhhh, air conditioning, no parents, sounds like C's spending the night.  After a bit of prodding he comes over.  Okay, a shit load of prodding actually.  He gets all bitchy about my parents, well my dad, not being over fond of him.  Dad was pissy about C staying over while they were at the cottage.  Well, fuck, they asked me to look after the place and if they think I was doing that and NOT taking advantage.  Seriously?
   Anyway, finally convinced him to come over.  We take off after about 30 seconds or so to my room.  So things are going quite well.  You may say we are getting along well and playing nicetogether, very nice indeed.  Then a fucking car in the driveway, accompanied by a scream that tells me this is no lost car turning around in our driveway.  The parents are definitely home with a very pissed off Casey in tow.
   Well C is off me in a heartbeat and scrambling for his clothes when I remind him that his car is in the driveway anyway, so he is going nowhere fast.  "Just go down and turn on the TV." So I hear the TV about 20 seconds before the parents open the door.  Whew, close one.  I got cleaned up and dressed soooo fucking fast as I hear my mom asking Chris how he is doing.  I come down the stairs, trying to walk as if my ankles were not doubling as ear muff three minutes earlier.
   Almost got away without competely embarrassing ourselves, until commercial is over on television.  When C came over I was watching a movie on OUT tv.  Well, at 2 AM the channel tends to turn a little bit more "adult".  So suddenly a review on a new sex toy.  I don't know what was funnier, the look of horror on C's face as the loud voice on the television warned about "make sure you use plenty of lubrication", or my mother trying not to laugh.  Chris went home about 40 seconds later.
   So this morning I sent him a text : "My parents are out of town, wanna come over?"
   "I H8 U"  Obviously a accidental pocket text:P

HIV conspiracy theories that make you feel safe

   Recently one of my city's baddies Aziga was taken off the streets for good.  He was ruled a dangerous offender, he was the first person convicted of first degree murder for willfully spreading AIDS.  He knew in 1996 he had HIV, had sex with 11 women since then, 7 of who become HIV positive, two of whom have died since then.

   What shocked me was not that he was given dangerous offender status, but on reading the comments to this news.  People have such wild conspiracy theories all revolving around HIV and AIDS not existing at all, or about it being a gay disease that these women could not have caught through heterosexual sex.  The theories are beyond bizarre, and I think, unlike most conspiracy theories with accuse the government of giving a false sense of security, these accuse various groups of trying to cause panic where no danger exists.

In no particular order:

Theory 1:  Heterosexuals are being injected with HIV when being tested.  That is why perfectly healthy people end up with HIV after testing... Seriously?  Discouraging people from testing is fucking dangerous.  Oh, but why are they being injected with HIV?  Well obviously if everyone knew it was just the gays and druggies contracting HIV society would just let them all die.  They only get money for research because of the "supposed" danger to the Het community.  

Theory 2:  Africa was sent HIV through the charity organizations supposed to help.  Why?  Well ofcourse to wipe black people off the face of the planet.... Now this theory is believed by some, but others... since some people believe this, it is dangerous to continue to try to prevent HIV spread in Africa in case North America gets blamed for AIDS progressing.  WTF.... I can't even wrap my head around that one.

Theory 3:  80% of HIV immigration applicants are admitted to Canada.  Not sure where they get there numbers, but about 2 seconds of research will tell them is simply not true.

Theory 4: HIV does not exist period.  AIDS does not exist.  It is a trick to get people to think that Cancer is not as pravalent in society Blah,blah,blah....

Now I am sure there are loads more conspiracies out there.  I guess I just wonder how widespread these beliefs are.  Because it seems to me the biggest battle in N.A. to fight HIV may not be the disease itself, but ignorance.  Are we going to turn into another Africa, with ignorance fertilizing AIDS until it thrives?

Intimacy

   Okay, this may get disgustingly sappy.  I apologize if I make you puke.  Seriously.

   I was thinking the other day of things that make C different than other guys I've dated.  I mean beyond the physical.  Don't get me wrong, I freaking LOVE sex.  But it's... well sex.  It can mean something, and then it can just be a means to get off.  Depends on what you want it to mean really.  And the bottom line is no matter what words or feelings you attribute it to it is a physical, mutually satisfying (hopefully) thing.  And if you don't get it from someone else, well, you have other means at your disposal. In short sex is a physical thing that we attribute value to, or not.  Funny how we bone, fuck and screw until the one we are serious about and then suddenly the language switches.  Not for this boy.  Let's call a spade a shovel, fuck tact, If I use the words "make love" I really will puke.  But intimacy can take different forms.

Last night it was hot (the weather that is).  C was tired.  I was tired.  I'm stretched out so not one inch of skin is touching.  Too fucking hot.  I kicked Nelson out of the bedroom earlier.  Nothing worse that cat fur sticking to you.  Ewww.  Nelson has an instant draw to anyone in the bed, he thinks cuddle time.  We've tried keeping him out of the bedroom altogether, but shutting the door means no airflow in the apartment.  So we just kick him out at night, usually requiring digging under the bed on hands and knees, C on one side me on the other as Nelson stubbornly sits right smack dab in the middle so the only way to get him out is to actually crawl under the bed, at such time in a flurry of cat fur and attitude he just leaves, leaving me to wriggle out from amongst the dust bunnies and cat fur tumbleweeds.  Anyway, I digress.

   So after a cool shower I am stretched out, Chris is laying there.  Then he does it.  He puts his and on my lower back and just rubs his thumb there.  First time he did that I thought he was trying to test the waters, it was about 45 degrees and I was thinking "You've gotta be fucking shitting me," because NO fucking way was sex gonna happen.  But no.  It's just something he started doing.  It's something that is just weirdly him.  A little piece of intimacy I find I wait for now.  If it doesn't happen I know something is going on.  Usually just stupid shit that he will eventually spill with very little prodding, then just say "It doesn't matter."  And it usually doesn't once it's out, and his hand is back.  I don't know if it is just that I bother to ask that makes him feel better, it's not like he gets upset or unloads huge angsty monologues.  "What's up with you?"
"Just tired."
"And...?"
"Might be layoffs next week."
"Permanent?"
"No,just for a couple weeks.  Fuck it, It doesn't matter."  Then that's it.  Nothing solved, but suddenly it's okay.  His hand is on my back and he's asleep in minutes.

WOW I'm bitchy today

I was not even aware of this fact until I opened a blog of some noob to find they described their meed as a mixture of "serenity and calmness".  My fucking head nearly popped off.  I want to kill this little fucker, or at the very least make him swallow a fucking dictionary.  No, not those little pocket ones.  The big ass websters my mother uses to kill spiders.

Die Mother-fucker!

Over-reaction?

I think it is time to go off line for a wee bit and maybe work of this new found aggression

Okay, He's not perfect, but then neither am I

So last night was fun.  Unfortunately Chris called and decided to bail on me for the club.  Bastard!  Actually I don't blame him.  He got off work at midnight, by the time he gets home and showers he is just barely there as they are wrapping it up for the night.  Sure, we could go downstairs for after hours, but then that is more for the drinkers than those there for a good time.  So I cut out after he called and went to his place.  Nelson attacked me as I was taking off my boots.  Little fucker.  Jumped right on my back and clung.  Ripped a hole right through.  Of course by the time I get him off he just looks at me like "whut?" before sitting in the middle of the room and starts cleaning his ears.  Evil.... thy name is Nelson.

   So Chris grouched for a while.  He hates his new supervisor.  But other than try to get along what are you going to do.  Apparently the guy really likes Chris and forever uses him as a good example, but Chris says it's because he is one of the only white guys on shift.  "He doesn't like people with a tan."  I could not imagine working in such an environment where a guy makes it very well known he is a prejudice fuck and STILL gets to the role of supervisor.  I cannot imagine how they do not have law suits out their ass.  It does give me a better idea of why Chris always says that it is a lot easier for me to be out than him.  He's not just talking about family but about making a living.  Fuck... what century is this again?

   Anyway, sorry to go off on a tangent, but it's still nice to understand it is not necessarily me, just the demands of the job.  Even if it is just how he sees it.  

   He's gone to the parents this morning.... so I am prepared for him being a miserable prick on Sunday night.  I know parent/child relationships are hard to comment on, but FUCK if visiting my parents made me that miserable I would move so far away that I would never have to visit them.  Thankfully he brushes their shit off fast enough these days.  So by Monday he will back to his regular cranky self.

so exam #1 was

Fucking ridiculous.  For a course that prides itself on being one of the hardest undergraduate course, it should be embarrassed.  I am in a bit of a snit about the whole thing, honestly.  I spend time and energy studying my ass off, causing my social and sex life to suffer, and for what?  That?  Pfft!
Next exams are tomorrow.  I am going to study.... honest.
Better be worth my time studying.
Then I am going swimming with C.J. and going over to Nonna's for dinner.  When did my life get so boring?  Oh, right, exams.  The ultimate cock block.  Damn you higher education!  Shakes fist (pun intended).

Get off your lazy ass

Now, I am going to start this by saying I have no issues with people on welfare.  It is there for people in need.
That being said, on with my story.
I know this girl, have know her since we were in the second grade together.  My mom used to babysit her sometimes on holidays when schools were closed but her mom was working.  Her mom was a single mom and worked construction while raising two kids on her own.  No father in the picture.  So this girl moves out when she turns 18 because she does not like rules.  She thought once she was 18 she should get to do as she likes, and her mom said the "so long as you are under my roof" speech....you get the picture.  So fast forward 2 1/2 years.  She was complaining that she still did not have a job and that there are no jobs anywhere.
So in an effort to help her out I'm like, Hey maybe my mom could help you.  She has alot of connections in the mall where she works.
I think I nearly died of shock when she said in a voice full of scorn and self importance "I don't DO retail.  And it is not worth my time to work for minimum wage because they take 2/3 of what I make off my check, so with the cost of working I'll be actually making less money than I do now."
   Oh, no, sweetheart, you are not making money now.  The government is taking tax dollars and giving you enough to live on.  That money could be going to someone who truly cannot work.  Not someone who considers it beneath them to do a job.  So she will not work retail, she only has high school, and yet she will not work for minimum wage.  I can see why she is having a problem finding a job.  I wanted to ask her what she think made her so special, but she was meeting friends at a bar at 2 in the afternoon.  My tax dollars hard at work.
Sometimes I really hate member of my generation .

Wow, what a horrifying sight

So around 4 AM a woman brings in my pal, the snake I helped force feed.  Well, he is still not eating.  So she asked to local experts what to do.  They suggested switching him to live prey, and leaving him in a dark container, covering it up.  The fucking mouse ATE the snake.  Huge chunks of his skin was missing.  There was no way on earth it was going to live.  But she wanted the attempt made.  So basically snakes are pretty good healers.  You just clean it, use antibiotic cream.  But the poor thing was in utter agony.  He died while we were cleaning him.  I don't think his heart could take the pain.  Now I know there is always a risk of injuries to snakes with live prey, but I have never heard of one eating the snake.  Such an awful sight, there were huge patches of skin missing.  The poor lady who brought him in was utterly shattered by what happened, in trying to help him she ended up buying its killer.  Funny thing is though, she was so pissed off at this baby mouse.  I get that the snake is the pet, but you are turning to mother nature to help the snake realize it's instincts.  And....well... mother nature can be a bitch, and things don't always go to plan.  The mouse decided "It's him or me, and it ain't gonna be me".

   Anyway, it made for a pretty shitty night at work.

I am going to try to wind down then off to bed for this boy.