First times

So this is the story of my first time. I know you all want to know… And I hope none of you feel less of me once you read it all.

So, I know, I could have picked someone I’ve known for a while. I mean, it is not like the world is a stranger to me. But some times things are easier with strangers. People who you never have to see again if you make a fool of yourself. Someone that, if six months from now you pass by them on a crowded street, is not going to remember you from Adam. Next, I did not want someone too young. I mean, it’s a young man’s game, but I did not want any first timers trying it out on me, no thank you. At least not for my first time.

So he was in his early thirties. He was willing to take me right away, so how can I say no? Do it, before I changed my mind. I’ve been dying to get it done, but I have chickened out over and over again. But I had bragged about this. This was going to be it! I was not going to admit to chickening out again.

When I first saw it I nearly bolted. It looked fucking huge. Was that just perception? Because it was going in me? Either way I knew there was no way on earth that was not going to hurt like hell. He wasted no time, urging me to just lean back and relax. Yeah, right, easy for him to say. Nothing was going inside HIS body. Sure for him and simple in-out procedure.

He noticed my nerves, though I tried to play it cool? “First time?” he guessed and I nodded. “I imagine it won’t be your last,” he grinned. “Addictive you know,” a wink. Let’s just get through the first time, for fuck‘s sake. I was right. It hurt like hell. I thought he would never finish. Finally he looked up. “All done. You did great.” Latex removed. “Next time it’ll be easier, you won’t be so nervous.”

I leaned back closing my eyes, taking a minute to recuperate, sensing his urgency in getting me out of there, but he was nice and didn’t say anything to send me on my way before I was ready.

“Thanks. Sorry if I was a big baby about the whole thing.”

He shrugged. “You were not that bad,” he shook his head as I handed him the agreed upon money. A lot of money, but well worth it to finally see it done.

So there you have it. Tongue ring in place.

It’s still sore, and apparently I will be talking funny for about a week.

Brilliant night

My girl Ali picked me up. We spent about an hour on our own talking about stuff. She has been kind of out of tough since her boyfriend came into her life. I don;t blame her. She`s in love. We talk new boyfriends. It was great to spned time one on one with my girl. Then the mob shows where we spned hours drinking, dancing and being wild. Chris eventually shows after work. Afterwards I go back there. It was the best night I remeber in forever. No, no sex. Just speding time together and talking. OWrkingthrough shit without arguing or fighting, just being together.

And the preliminaries give me

A 10.4 GPA!. My freaking Math killed me, but I am DONE with that! Awesomeness, I got a high enough grad to never, ever have to sit a math exam again!

Preliminary grades are getting posted today....

I am so freaking nervous.

DADT, the compromise that gained us nothing?

In 1993, new laws and regulations pertaining to homosexuality and U.S. military service came into effect reflecting a compromise in policy. This compromise, colloquially referred to as “don’t ask, don’t tell,” holds that the presence in the armed forces of persons who demonstrate a propensity or intent to engage in same-sex acts would create an unacceptable risk to the high standards of morale, good order and discipline, and unit cohesion which are the essence of military capability. Under this policy, but not the law, service members are not to be asked about nor allowed to discuss their “same-sex orientation.” The law itself does not prevent service members from being asked about their sexuality. This compromise notwithstanding, the issue has remained politically contentious.

So in a nut shell: So long as no one found out your were gay, you were okay to risk life and limb in service to your country. Sweet. Basically what we already had. Way to sell out.

Or so I thought

Then someone pointed out that it WAS important. Because it was the first acknowledgement that gay people were in the forces. Up until then, officially, there were no gay people in the forces. Because if you were gay, you were out. *confused* ofcourse there were gay in the military before, and they had to hide it, and now thanks to DADT they still have to hide it.
AH, But they officially exist. So we have gone from "no gays in the military" to "no open gays in the military".. I guess I can see where it was a start.
"Do you think life changed after slavery was abolished?"
"Of course"
"Yep, so people just walked off the cottonfeilds and put on suits and got office jobs?"
"Well, no..."
"It was a start..."

So to all you brave folks who had to swallow the bitter pill of DADT, thanks. I get it now. It was a start.

wow, I went to bed and woke up 50

Followers that is :)It must be the long weekend:) You lot are amazing!
I am off to bed shortly. He is off to his family for the day. Early mass and all that fun stuff. Hehehe, sucker! I think I'm going for a bike ride a little later. I hope it is a nice day like yesterday. I gotta get out of the house. Dad's always bitchy at Easter. I think it is family bullshit, as he is the only religious defector in his family. I think he feels left out. Even though it's not like he is not invited. He will not go because of religious intolerance. HIS OWN that is. While the rest of the family would be perfectly content to live and let live (well maybe not Nonna) with the atheist, he insists on heaping distain towards their beliefs. I gotta say, I love my dad, but holy shit. His outlook on religion make backwater baptists look tolerant.

Why do we let people bring us down

So I had an amazing night. After work I went to Chris'. It's kinda weird to go to his place when he is already in bed, but it makes it so easy after work. Work was fucking BRILLIANT. After weeks of wondering if it was a good move for me, I'm getting in the swing and loving the difference to my old job as much as the similarities.
I could have stayed at his, but I don;t like to be there when he isn't, so I left when he left for work. I get hime, log into CS. Yes, I am that sad. I earned that Addict title, lol. Then (yes after that) I check my email and got a very nasty email from a stranger. I know, who gives a fuck, right? Then why the hell does it make me feel like shit? Why do I let these things get to me? Ugh! I am so caught between pissed off and .... no just pissed off. If you don't like me, then don't fucking READ my blog, dickhead! Don't fucking tell me how disgusting it is as you quote from SEVERAL posts!

Sorry, had to have a bit if a rant there. And to dickhead, that is where it ended. I am not going to give it another thought. Fuck you!

Since this kid is not going to sleep, the nitty gritty

So I went over to his place and he was making indian. OMG, it smelt so freaking amazing. "Pretty brown food for a white boy" he laughed. He is amazingly hot, and I think he shows off his tatts around me. It seems like the moment I am there the shirt comes off. He has one whole sleeve done, and the other down to his elbow. and right across his back. I so want one. Fucking amazing kiss. I am grateful the man is prepared. Nothing like getting fucked on the living room floor:) Even though I think the lower back is the worse place to get carpet burn. Everytime I get up it hurts.
The food was really good. We watched tv until I fell asleep, then he woke me up to go to bed. He had to get up early, but drove me home, which was very nice, because I know he got up even earlier to do that.

I have carpet burn on my lower back

Sooooooooooooooooooo worth it:)

It is insanely early and I am feeding Casey before going to bed. Well, burping, he is all done feeding. But yeah, it was a fucking amazing night.

It will be worth it all.

I am an impatient soul. I know, I know. You are all shocked. Say it ain't so, J. I like being comfortable, then I can relax, but if any little thing upsets my schedule, good or bad, I become very uncomfortable and I just want to MOVE. "You sure you were never diagnosed with ADHD as a kid?" he asked me last Saturday when I finally got him up. I was bored, and what to do. I'm not going to snoop through his shit, so I don't want to try to find a movie to watch.

The poor people yesterday who had to sit through the exam from hell. My ears hurt afterwards from pressing my hands to drown out the sounds of other's being so inconsiderate as to use writing impliments, pushing those noisy fucking buttons on calculators and you know, breathing. Fuck you all and stop your noise while you insist on being on my planet. Unresonable anger at them, that was actually more at me, but directing outwards always feels better. It is easier to feel bad afterwards for being unreasonably angry iwth others than to admit you are fucking pissed off at yourself for being so fucking stupid. So I have decided I just need to shake it off. One lousy mark is not going to totally fuck me over. I got through the course through a miracle named Mommy and picking her genius brain.

So later on today I am going back to his place. Only training today and testing for him tomorrow, so no work. His testing requires no studying, and he is far more easy-going when it comes to life in general. Much more a "go with the flow" attitude I wish I had. So I am going over to his apartment. It is a shithole, to tellt he truth. In one of the worst parts of Hamilton, and if you have any idea what that means.... that is saying something. I hate and love going there all at once. I hate the neighbourhood, and just the general area. And though his place is clean, all around is filthy people. The hallway reeks of dope and stale cigarette smoke and booze and some smell my mind refuses to accurately pinpoint. He knows its a shit hole, but it is that, or ... well I'm sure my parents won't mind me taking him back to my room. Yeah, okay. I'm sure he, who has not yet come out ot his own parents, would be comfortable with that, even if my parents were.

Good times

So I did actually have a good weekend considering. He is working nutty hours, so he was tired. He's training for a possible new job while holding down the old ones. The new job is apparently really sucky, but good money. With his old job being mostly by piece, and the economy being what it is, I don't blame him for going where the money is.




Sunday we went out to this market. I like it there because it is a jumble of shit. Like a giant garage sale. They have a cafe there that is kinda the heart of the place, and run by a gay couple, and supports local artists. It's pretty cool.

Today, exam time. Last one!

11 am

And he is still sleeping. I am dying to get moving! I am a morning person, and to sit around half the morning waiting on him to get his ass in gear is driving me crazy. Half the morning, yeah, more like all morning. Damn! Looking for subtle ways to wake lazy.

Gone for the weekend I hope

Just thought I would let you all know. I am indeed off for the weekend. With only one exam left and plenty of time I made big plans to spend the weekend with this guy. If all goes well you will not see me at all. If all does not, chances are I will be back bitching and grousing around. I figure, sex first, that way if he fucks it up, at least I get something out of it. LOL, jesus, I can be an asshole sometimes. I am packing up, and my dad is wearing his "worrying about you, but far too cool to try to forbid you to go, so I'll try to guilt you out of it." *Sigh*. Maybe when I am in Toronto I will miss his worried looks. Now I prefer my mom's telling me to have fun. "No guilt?" "God no," she rolls her eyes. "Besides, I know kids today aren't into sex anymore, that was my generation" I just look at her. "Dammit Jamie, I let you believe in Santa until you were 10! Do not shatter my illusions. You owe me." God I missed her!

You may not think Canada has royalty

Well you would be wrong. Today Casey came home with all the pomp and ceremony of a crown prince returned to his homeland. I took CJ to school. On my return the house was full to bursting. My mom did not want any visitors while he was in the hospital, so I have escaped the craziness. I hear my father bitching about germs. I figure he will have anyone who wants to get within 50 meters have more protection on than a teenager taking a hooker to the prom. So yay, the baby is home! I think I will be spending the weekend out of the house.

OMFG, kinda inappropriate, yet not quite...

Okay, looking through my sources, because I am not looking at another fucking book until I am done my exams today. One I got a cold google view by someone googling "assfucking". I am a bit shocked at that. Seriously? I do not recall ever being that blunt in my talk here. So ofcourse I spend time. New something to obsess over.
It was from a post from a couple weeks ago:

So out flows the bullshit with the ex, which he rolls his eyes and
tells me I am an ass. fucking friends

I don;t know whether to laugh because that google was completely in the wrong context, and made that weekend sound so much better than it was; or because it is not as completely off the mark as it may have been leading o someone else's blog. I can just see some poor guy. Armed and ready, google's assfucking. Oh, shit. A blog labelled it's a gay life! Score! Poor guy. He was very mislead.

To the poor soul who found me by accident. Sorry.

My brain hurts

Damn you exams. Why am I the last person out? That can not be a good sign.

When friends get lives...

And leave the rest of us behind. Plans fell through. Our big night to celebrate classes over, yay! Ali's boyfriend wanted to take her out. I think he is uncomfortable around her gay friends, but she says it is just because they want to be alone. *gag* So, everyone wants to wait on her, she is kind of the center of the group. The glue that holds. So what happens when the best and biggest of the fruit flies settles down on a straight guy? *le sigh* She leaves a bunch of us out wondering what to do without our girl:( Straight guys ruin everything. Get your own girl!

Hangover

And working on another tonight. Why, oh why do I do this to myself? Oh, right, it is fun... until the morning hours. And by this time I forget about just how shit I felt this morning. I swear, Sunday I will knuckle down and study, study, study for exams. But tonight I am going out, drinking far more than is wise, and hopefully meet up with Mr. Right now;) Mom is coming home tomorrow, kind of. Casey will still be in the hospital, so she will still be there most of the time. Next week four exams.... then a break before summer semester. I am happy because I thought I would have to drop the summjer semester and work for my uncle for the summer. I hte working for him. It's not him, he's fine. I just hate the work. It is sweaty and boring, but it pays well. But with the hours I will be getting at the hospital now I can actually do the summer semester. Whew, situation of acting like a grown up for the summer strategically avoided.

So, I was writing...

About my weekend. Was about half way through and I got texted to come home immediately. It happened. Mom had the baby. He arrived at not quite 34 weeks. Weighs in at 4 pounds 10 ounces. Spent oh, last 18 hours at the hospital, and I am crashing. I will finish my other post at a later time I am sure. I am going to bed. Nite.

Awesome weekend

Plans: Go to T's house, mom out of town, so we can get some heavy study time in. The Reality: About 30 minutes into friday night "we don't actually need to study tonight do we?" We are in the car headed to the bar. Had a really good time. It's been forever since T and I hung out. We both have rather hectic schedules. I especially love how T is DD, because he can't drink. He is epileptic and if he drinks his seizures get more frequent. So I got pretty drunk, but T was cool with reminding maybe the best course of action with a new job is not to show up hung over. Oh, right. Drunk enough to hook up with an ex, you bet. Afterwards T is on me about that, but hey, it's funny how things seem like a good idea at the time. At the time my thought process... okay, wasn't going all the way up to my brain. New job: Way different. Much more.... professional I guess. Uniforms? Are you shitting me? THat part really sucks. I look like a total loser. Anyway, it is much more cool and professional, I guess the difference from working at a vet's and an "animal hospital". But everyone seems okay. Saturday night, telling T all about my new job. I've know T since we were little, little. Like our moms were single moms who used to babysit for each other. We moved apart years ago. But when T came out his mom joined PFLAG and our moms met up together. It was like they had never been apart. His mom sees herself as someone like an aunt or something. I come in she asks how "mamasita" is. "Huge" I reply. T has a great boyfriend, or so he says. I haven't yet met the guy. in fairness, I don't think we have the same taste in guys, which is probably a good thing. He has yet to like any guy I have gone out with, I have yet to like any guy he has gone out with. But he and his bf are talking about living together next year, so I should take the plunge and actually meet the guy. There is alwasy this dark feeling when I am meeting someone T is with. I guess I worry that one time I am going to truly HATE the person he ends up staying with. How bad does that have to suck? T is one of those fucking people who is honest... brutally. He will tell me how it is, whether I ask him to or not. If I do not want his opinion on something I keep it to myself... Yeah, right. That is a theory anyway. But I do tend to eventually tell him everything anyway. So out flows the bullshit with the ex, which he rolls his eyes and tells me I am an ass. Fucking friends. Still it felt good to rehash, and unload. Then, we actually did study, I swear, between "accidental" swats to the back of the head and kicks. *this was finished after being interrupted with the arrival of baby Casey*

Awesome job

THe good news, the bad news. The good news is, I have a new job, which pays slightly more and A LOT more hours available. The bad news, I have to leave the clinic I am at now, because they could not offer me what I need. My boss actually called around to the different clinics to find someone who could give me the hours that he knew I needed. How great is he? So it starts next week. I wish I could say that the hours don't matter, but they do. I'm a little nervous about a new place, but my current boss knows them, and I know he would not advise me wrongly.