I am getting glared at....

I feel those green eyes, even when I am not looking. They are accusing. Cheater. Unfaithful. How was I to know his smell would be all over me? It would have been kinder if the truth was to remain hidden. Okay, Bella, Chris' new kitten is lovely, but he is not you. Forgive me?

Yeah, not so much.

and a horrible post

had a dog come in today. bad abuse, he bit the child whose parent allowed her ot play with the remote on his shock collar. He bit the 2 year old child. And was put down. Enough to make me rethink this whole vet idea. Fucking people suck:(

Fairy farts

So my brother fancies himself a pagan.

I take him to a pagan gathering and looking at incense he starts to chuckle. Incense sticks named "fairy farts"

"Betcha didn't know you were sitting on a land mine."

I don't know whether I laughed harder at the fact that he mixed up "land mine" and "gold mine" or his sooooo un-PC statement.

Little shit!

Okay Jamie, you asked

But only because I am the president and all

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Yes. I was named for my grandfather. But now I get Jamie rather than James because my dad is also James. It is also both my brothers middle names. yeah, cause my mom doesn't obsess much.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Today, I was laughing so hard at my brother I literally cried.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
No, it's horrid

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Ham

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Hells yeah!

7. DO YOU HAVE SIBLINGS?
A half brother I am not close to and two brothers that mean the world to me.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Eventually, but after a few false starts I am sure.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Blueberry mini-wheats

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Uh, yeah. My shoes are awesome!

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Yes, mentally and physically.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Pistachio

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Their eyes. Windows to the well, mind I guess. Their true selves are reflected there.

15. RED OR PINK?
Red

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I'm overly sensitive and once I am hurt by someone I will not forgive without an apology

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My old friend. He dumped me like bad trash when I came out and then friended me on FB about 2 years ago. I thought me might want to be friends again, but he still does not speak directly to me, but asks other frineds how I am. One of the reasons I got off facebook

18. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?
Capricorn.

19. DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE PAIR OF SHOES?
Yes, purple old school canvas and rubber sneakers.

20. FAVORITE MEAL?
Whatever I am eating. I'm a foodie.

21. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?
Classic rock and alternative

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Every colour in the box!

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Dragon's blood

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My mom.

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
Beach house.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
UFC

27. HAIR COLOR?
Black.

28. EYE COLOR?
Brown.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No, and I don't wear glasses either.

30. FAVORITE HEIRLOOM?
My sarcastic sense of humour.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Neither

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Born supremacy, credit running now.

33. FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?
Tshit "there is a party in your mouth and I'm coming"

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Hugs.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Nonna's Cannolis

37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
Strength

38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
Computer.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Snow Angel Mark Roeder

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
plain blue

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
My brother.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
The Beatles.

44. WHAT IS YOUR DREAM CAR?
Classic Camaro

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
No. *le sigh*

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Hamilton ontario

47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
Same

48. WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?
Being alone forever

49. WHAT BRINGS YOU THE MOST JOY?
My family

50. WHAT PIECE OF ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO YOUR YOUNG SELF?
Maybe not to give in to self hate and to hang in there.

HIV testing

So I go for an HIV test. I test regularly. After all, everyone is supposed to know their HIV status, they preach. So why, WHY , why, every time do they do pre and post counselling. "And how are you going to feel if this turns out positive"
At least get fucking real questions. And maybe get people a little less judgemental asking questions. Do you want me to lie? If you don't want to know, then don't ask how many sexual partners someone has had. If you do, then don't show so much shock when people say a number that may be a little higher than you think. And don't you dare give me that fucking doubting look when I say I have never had unprotected sex. If I was going to lie it would be on that last question here you rudely asked for a number even my boyfriend doesn't know.
Then the post questions. How are you planning protecting yourself in the future? The same thing I have been doing, bitch! Whether you believe me or not.
I encourage everyone to get a test, just know you are going to feel like a filthy slut who fucks with no responsibility and obviously does IV drugs with needles they found in the gutter, after letting all your whore friends use it first ofcourse. Obviously, otherwise why would you be getting an HIV test?

Sigh, anyway, Rather annoying. Sorry if it is a bit personal to share. But it kind of annoyed me.

Oh, yeah, negative, BTW.

Road trip 4: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

So Saturday Jake meets this girl. She is ugh, dumb as a bag of hammers. Jake's standards are simple. Female and willing. So they disappear partway through the day, while a crap band was playing to return a few hours later. At this point, I can tell she is driving him nuts.

So here is the usual drill. He comes back to me, and I make a big deal about plans we have, so he can regretfully give her the brush off while still being the "nice guy". She leaves, no hurt feelings, and all is well. This is one of the things that Ali hates about him.

So he comes up, plan in place. "So are we still going to meet up with the others guys and go to the thing at the university?" He looks at me, I know my line.
"Nah, J and I are going to blow it off," Chris says. If looks could kill. Brainless is all "Cool you can hang out with my friends" dragging Jake away.

Ali looks at Chris with a grin on his face, yes, he knew exactly what he has done. "I may be able to put up with you for a while" From Ali that is practically a love sonnet.

Okay, seriously so pissed off now

TCS, I made a promise NOT to hijack thread, But FUCK!

@JH04 Why do these "Christian" hate that i cannot say...i'd say hate the act and not the person...now it is definitely not in our hands to judge or hate homosexuality rather it is important to pray with or for them and continuously speak with them to know their life and why they choose that part rather than rebuke them .i have seen a number of people turn away from their gay act because someone Christian was there for them and cares..Correct with love is the only true way out...


Now you mention that God is a forgiving God, Yes He sure is but unto those who repent and acknowledge their wrong and ask for forgiveness...now if you don't ask for it or acknowledge that you are wrong then the forgiveness does not take place...If you permit me i'll also say that the Bible mention "They are given over to their passions. That means that their hearts are allowed to be hardened by their sins (Romans 1:18ff)" (This is for all sins not homosexuality). As a result of this great passion, they can no longer see the error of what they are doing. Without an awareness of their sinfulness, there will be no repentance and trusting in Jesus. Without Jesus, they will have no forgiveness. Without forgiveness, there is no salvation..




Lastly you mentioned God created Evil....I'll argue that and say that He did not ! God is a good God and evil is simply the absence of God...When the mind and heart is so far away from God, that is when the evil thing creeps into our heart...I could go on but i shall rest my case here for now.

Okay, first off, JH,while never mentioning evil, mentioned homosexuals.

Fuck I thought my fucking head would explode. How dare you fucking DARE claim this is not fucking hate your goddamned fucking bigot!

Oh-kay, maybe I can go to bed right now and NOT have my head explode. I got so fucking pissed I was literally shaking. And I never get fucking pissed like that. Why did this one set me off so bad? I think it was because I could not just flame the fucking bitch.

Road trip 3: Wow, you mean some people have read the bible?

Camping, Shit he was serious about that? I do not camp. Well, not the way Chris does, apparently. NOTHING! No water, no electricity. Just nature and the six of us. How the hell…? See, “camping” with my parents is a cabin…. With basic satellite television. And Don’t laugh, because I’m serious. To my parents, if you have to walk to the end of the driveway to get cell signal you are roughing it.

Chris rolls his eyes. Then he talks about hunting trips with his dad. A whole week in the woods. Fishing, trapping rabbits. Wow, he can take care of me when the zombies come. At this Jake is howling. One night on line we were laughing about the zombies and making jokes about “when they come”.
“What?” Chris shakes his head.
“You know, the rapture is supposed to be tomorrow,” I informed him.
C shakes his head. “The power of stupidity is incredible.” Agreed. “Ridiculous that they use the bible to predict when it will happen when the same fucking chapters say that you will not know when.”
“What?”
But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father alone. Matthew 24:36-37. So five of us are looking at him like he just told us something horrific. “How did you know that?” Ali asks.
“A life time of church, Sunday school, youth fellowships, prayer meetings, bible studies, revival meetings. My parents life is the church.”
“Your dad is not like a minister or anything is he?”
“No. He just believes. My parents church is extreme. Every day there is something going on. I spent more awake hours in that church than home growing up.”

Holy shit, no wonder he started drinking so young.

Road trip 2: the kids in the back seat

So we are on the road… a stop at Timmies and all of us are soaking in the caffeine. It’s a very nice day for a drive. Sunny. We have been getting very little sun so far this spring. Music is blasting. We meet up with T and his boyfriend and refill on the caffeine before taking off. It started around Norwood. We stop. After three coffee at this point we HAVE to stop. Then of course, another coffee.
“No it’s your turn.”
“Who the fuck said anything about turns? I have longer legs, so I sit behind J.”
“Fuck you. I have had my fucking knees to practically my chin. I don’t give a fuck how long your legs are. Your turn.” Now Chris’ car is a teeny tiny piece of shit, true enough. And the back seat was put in as more of a joke than practical use. It’s not like the person on either side is getting much room, but I do have my seat put forward as far as it will go to give Jake some room.
Jake solved the issue by plunking himself in the argued over seat and was called a dick head. So issue closed? No fucking chance.
10 minutes on the road…
“Get your feet off me.”
“I need to stretch out a bit.”
“On me?”
“Do you see anywhere else to do it?”
“you kicked me”
“leg cramp”
“bullshit”
“Ow!”
“Sorry, did that catch your skin?”
I was suddenly reminded of driving anywhere with Jake’s family. He has an older sister and younger brother close in age, and every trip was poking, pinching and endless games of “stop hitting yourself” and “I know you are but what am I”.
I am laughing at this point because Chris is getting seriously pissed off and struggling not to say anything because they are my friends.
“Kids, it you don’t stop we are going to turn this car around and go straight back to Hamilton!” That gets him laughing. Not much response from the 20 year olds in the back seat who have reverted back to child status with some serious sibling rivalry going on.

Road trip

So he picks me up at 5 am. Quick on the road, before the traffic starts. We go over to Ali’s, and she is ready and raring to go. Off we go to Jake’s. Jake lives out in the country. I mean, not like WAY out in the country, but about 15 minutes outside the city proper. He has an apartment on the back of his Mom’s house. Separate entrance and all.
Chris swore when he saw Jake was not ready. He went to honk the horn, but seriously, you do not honk a horn before 6, especially out in the country. And Jake has 5 little brothers still living at home, along with his mom. I get out and tap at the door, but knowing that there is another floor up to his actually apartment I’m really thinking that is not going to do a damn thing. Sure enough no response. I call his cell, and got the message that told me he was “Unavailable”. So I did what any one else would do. Eyeing his window threw a small stone which hit… okay, the third one hit, whatever. Anyway, no response, but I was sure as hell not going to break his window. So I threw my shoe. Rubber and canvas, it rattled the window and bounced and successfully caught Jakes attention as I balance on one foot. After looking out the window. “Shit, sorry, give me five.” It was closer to 15 when he finally came down the stairs with girl in tow. “I called a cab. Should he here any minute.”
Chris seemed to think the matter settled. “Let’s go then.” Jake moved far enough away so the girl (sorry don’t know her name) didn’t hear. He explained he could not just leave her there, in the middle of no where. What if the cab didn’t come? Plus, he had to pay the cab driver. When Chris pointed out he could just give her money for a cab he insisted that you just cannot give a girl money after sleeping with them, even for a cab. “Just let her wait in your mom’s place.”
“I can’t. I’m not allowed to bring girls back here.” Chris found this ridiculously funny and if nothing else, put him in a slightly more patient mood. Thankfully the cab was coming up the drive by that time.
Oh, good, a nice peaceful start. So already Chris is pissed at us being behind schedule. He is very into scheduling. He plans routes. He thinks about traffic patterns, and rest stops. He is the opposite of J, fly by the seat of your pants and trust you’ll turn up golden.

Butterfly award

I would like to thank Psycho Basher for this. If you are not reading her, than you are definatly missing out on some pretty incredible reads.

http://coffeeandsmokeschat.blogspot.com/

Something about me. I'm very passionate about my family. I truly think I have the most awesome family in the world. In another year I am moving to Toronto to (hopefully if I screw nothing up) take veterinary medicine.

Other butterflies:

I have no idea if he will even know , but I feel it would be a shame not to mention a little known blog about addiction and recovery:
http://pinkplaidbriefs.blogspot.com/

Life's lyric, best name ever, BTW
http://lifeslyrics28.blogspot.com/

Funniest outlook on parenting ever
http://theincoherentramblingsofasingleparent.blogspot.com/

And Jess because I love her honesty and staight-forwardness
http://insignificantyetimportant.blogspot.com/

Now obligation. If you would like to accept this award you can pass it on to other bloggers to let them know you enjoy their work

The L word

No, the other one. Love. How do we ever really know when we love someone? I have friends who I love like crazy, and tell them so, all the time. I very comfortable letting the people in my life know how I feel about them. Until it comes to the one I am sleeping with. Why? Because I am not sure myself. I know that the friends I love hold a certain part of my heart, and they always will. That if I don't see them in ten years or have a horrible fight, that there will still be a tie that will never allow me to be indifferent to them. I will always be happy for their triumphs and cry for them, and with them if they need a shoulder.
I guess that is part of it. When do you want to leave yourself that open to the one you are already at your most vulnerable in other ways. And what do you do if you move on? How do you watch someone you love move on without you?

Anyway. We are planning a trip. ROAD TRIP. It was supposed to be me, Chris, my best friend Jake, Ali and her boyfriend taking his car, possibly Alex with her boyfriend, and meeting my friend T and his boyfriend from Toronto. Well, ALex and her boyfriend are out (not really a big surprise). Ali's boyfriend can't go, so she is driving with us. So what that leaves us with is Me, C, Jake and Ali. In one car. One problem, okay several. Jake and Ali HATE each other. Not usually a huge deal while in a crowd, but 5 + hours in a car together may be a stretch. Now C and Ali don't exactly get on well either. She still has issues with our break up long ago, and though we have gotten over it, she never has. She'll be nice enough, but the ice under it is very obvious. And Jake HATES Chris, and vice versa. Oh, won't this be a cosy little piece of heaven? In a car with 3 people who despise each other, and I am the only friend they have in common. Why did I think this was a good idea?

No one likes honesty in a eulogy

Okay, anyone who would like to pretend I am still a decent person, turn away. You don't want to read this.


Gramma died.

So yesterday I sit in the home of my paternal grandparents with family I have little seen. I have not seen my father in.... three years? My half brother in four, maybe five years. Cousins, *pfft* most I do not remember meeting. I feel like I am at a party and I am the kid you had to invite, even though no one really wanted you to come. Family obligation. Everyone talks about her like she was a saint. How the most important thing to her was family. And I just know tomorrow she will be memorialized saying how much she gave to her family, and how family was everything to her.

There are a lot of regrets I have. I regret Gramma that we were never close. I regret that you saw me as a drain on your precious son, and that you never taught him to be enough of a man to want to support his children. I really hate the fact that I was never the grandson you wanted from my white mother to my coming out, when I ceased to exist for you. I grieve for what could have been because I should mourn you, but all I mourn is the fact that I take not one good memory with me. I never got to see the woman everyone else is mourning.
When I wandered through a house I barely remember there are pictures everywhere of my father and my brother. I know you were sent pictures of me. Did they ever go on those walls, or were they just shuffled away. Was there ever a time you acknowledged having two grandsons?
You had a sucky life, I get that. I would not want to live with the man you chose to marry. Maybe it was just your way to have someone that had less of a presence in the family than you did. Or maybe it was none of these things, and you just never liked me for reasons that were all your own and you take to the grave with you.
Peace, Gramma. I wish you peace.

So Casey James has colic

And I have a headache. Right now the little darling is sleeping. Is it wrong that I want to turn up Slipknot to ten and pipe it directly into his room while he is sleeping? Oh, if I ever had any thoughts of having kids Casey would be wonderful aversion therapy. They should record him and force kids to listen to it from the fifth grade up. THAT would seriously curb teen pregnancy. I do really love him. Some days it is just more challenging to like him than others.

Chris is working. When isn't he? Not too fucking much. He did get another job, but he is remaining available for hours in his old job, who are now coming on their busy season. If he pulls in his 8 hours today that will bring him to 84 hours this week. Which means, other than crashing at his place, and half the time he is asleep before I get there, I barely see him. I know, he should be the one bitching about how tired he is... and he does.... but it would be nice if I could even have a conversation without feeling like I am taking away his sleeping time.
He is trying to get a nicer place, so I can see why he wants to make more money, but no one is meant to work that many hours. And all work and no play is making him a very dull boyfriend. Yes, I need to be entertained. You have known me for how long and this is news to you?
I was looking forward at least to spend a couple hours with him before my work. No such luck. One of his friends from "back home" is crashing at his. Which means I am spending the night in Casey's Hollering Halls. *Le sigh*

SO I was lost in the Matrix

It was cold, and I had no face:( But I am back, and this feels amazing to have my stuff back. Last night I got so pissed off I decided to fuck it all and get away from it. I went out with a couple friends, but can;t drink yet (tongue ring and all), and sitting around watching them get shit faced does not have its usual appeal. Especially since after a couple drinks all my friends decided I sounded incredibly funny and spent all their time laughing their asses off at me. Normally I would enjoy, but with frustration already at a high, I did not have the patience. So I killed some time just hanging out at a local Timmy's waiting for C to finish his shift.
Have you ever willed time to pass?
Passes slow as fuck then, doesn't it?
I played games on my phone, and read until the phone died, then I did a most dangerous pass time in Hamilton, people watching. Hamilton has more than it's fair share of freaks. A crowd of kids were being rowdy and obnoxious, other patrons glaring at them. I had to laugh at their posing and posturing. They were all of maybe fifteen, if that. They were comparing their various piercing and tattoos, making sure to talk up how "painful" the places were, while at the same time insisting that they didn't hurt THEM ofcourse. Street kids. THere are a lot of them in my city. THat particular area had several group homes and shelters. I amazed by the comradery of kids who don't seem to have much in common other than a shitty past.
It makes you realize how much stock you put in the bull shit and trappings of your stupid cushy life. Here are kids who, for the most part, will be lucky to finish high school. Who will not have mommy and daddy to come running when life shits on them. WHo, basically, once they leave their temporary homes at 18 will be all by themselves except for the friends they make in these homes. THose friends who run a higher risk of falling into the traps of addiction, crime, violence...
What a fucking whiny little bitch I can be. By the time I called Chris and met him at his apartment I felt a lot less hard-done-by. I have a good life.

Meet the parents

So Chris came by to pick me up. I'm fast. Always have been. You have to be with parents like mine who think nothing of actually thinking they should be introduced to guys I am dating. Until now I have lucked with C. Mostly because of their distraction and the fact that I have the car a lot more so I meet at his most of the time. His time had run out. I cannot help it if he cannot follow a simple direction such as "Just circle around for a couple minutes". It is beneath his dignity, I suppose. So he pulls up and waits. Oh, you silly fool. You have no concept of how nosey my mother is.
She knock on his car window. "You wating for Jamie?"
Withing two minutes he is in the kitchen with her, looking stunned at how he managed to get there. Yeah, she is just that good. My dad is walking the floor with Casey, and judging by the looks he was shootiing C I think he does not much like the information my mother was pumping from him. THough she seemed to like him well enough.
"What the fuck...?" he sits behind the wheel with a stunned look on his face.
"I told you to circle around, dumb ass."
Men, you can't tell them anything:P

Ok, my real first time

Not that different. I picked a stranger, for the same reasons. He knew he was going to be my first, and I think he got off on that, far more than on me. Now don't get me wrong. I had given load of hand jobs, a few blow jobs, and topped once. But I knew, in my heart, yeah, okay, we'll call it that, that I was meant to be a bottom. Can't explain, it is something you know.
Now I have one friend who is a bottom, and had full on penetrative sex with his "highschool sweetheart". He was so hurt he never had sex since. You know, full on penetrative sex. for that reason I chose very carefully, someone with experience. Someone who would treat me okay.
He was okay to look at. A very nice man... but looking back, he was 32 and okay with fucking a 15 year old, so maybe he was creepy. Actually no maybe. Okay, he was creepy.
Did it hurt? A bit, but not that much. He was very patient and really seemed to look at it like a teacher and me the student. Yeah, it was good. And no, I didn't have to pay him, lol.