Monday, May 9, 2011

No one likes honesty in a eulogy

Okay, anyone who would like to pretend I am still a decent person, turn away. You don't want to read this.

Gramma died.

So yesterday I sit in the home of my paternal grandparents with family I have little seen. I have not seen my father in.... three years? My half brother in four, maybe five years. Cousins, *pfft* most I do not remember meeting. I feel like I am at a party and I am the kid you had to invite, even though no one really wanted you to come. Family obligation. Everyone talks about her like she was a saint. How the most important thing to her was family. And I just know tomorrow she will be memorialized saying how much she gave to her family, and how family was everything to her.

There are a lot of regrets I have. I regret Gramma that we were never close. I regret that you saw me as a drain on your precious son, and that you never taught him to be enough of a man to want to support his children. I really hate the fact that I was never the grandson you wanted from my white mother to my coming out, when I ceased to exist for you. I grieve for what could have been because I should mourn you, but all I mourn is the fact that I take not one good memory with me. I never got to see the woman everyone else is mourning.
When I wandered through a house I barely remember there are pictures everywhere of my father and my brother. I know you were sent pictures of me. Did they ever go on those walls, or were they just shuffled away. Was there ever a time you acknowledged having two grandsons?
You had a sucky life, I get that. I would not want to live with the man you chose to marry. Maybe it was just your way to have someone that had less of a presence in the family than you did. Or maybe it was none of these things, and you just never liked me for reasons that were all your own and you take to the grave with you.
Peace, Gramma. I wish you peace.


  1. Ah Jamie, I guess I should say that I'm sorry for your loss, but it sounds to me like you never really had much to lose there.
    You can't miss what you never had and at you at least are honest about your feelings, good or bad - that's something to be proud of :)
    I do hate the way people see the dead through rose tinted glasses.

  2. Hi Jamie, you almost had me in tears with that post. Despite the sadness behind it, it was beautifully written.

  3. Great post. Just because someone dies doesn't automatically make them a saint. I guess you can mourn what could have been rather than what was.

  4. Yeah, she is going to be laid to rest, and in the end it will not really affect my life in total.

  5. Just remember that you should have no regrets. Decisions were made on both parts and cannot be changed, even if you wanted to change them.
    I have a couple of family members that are not very nice to me, so I can sympathise a little with you. Do not dwell on the past or think 'I should be feeling sad but i am not really' because you have your reasons and everyone should respect you for them, especially since they probably know what went on between you. If you're not sad, then don't worry about it.

  6. I am sorry your grandma died. and i am sorry she didnt care to get to know you and spend the necessary time with you. My moms side of the family doesnt like who I am or who i am with (my bf) so therefore they have not invited us anywhere anymore. idk why but we have not seen them for a while. I hope that somewhere your father and his family will find it in their hearts to get to know who you are, they will regret it later. It shouldnt matter whether your mom is white or your straight or gay, or you told them all to fuck off or whatever. they should always love you and keep you close to home. hope everything looks up, and if they dont find the time for you, then i wouldnt worry about wasting your time on them either.

  7. Jamie you are so sweet to wish your Gramma peace after the way she ignored you.You do realise she was the one to lose out in the end though dont you? I dont mean by loseing her life, I mean because she had the chance to have some one beautiful in her life and she chose to turn her back on them (you), how sad is that.I only know you from your blog and the cs and I am glad I met you, no offence intended Jamie but I think your grams was round the hat rack for missing the opportunity to have you in her life.*Hugs*

  8. I still think you are a decent person after reading that and will continue to think so. It's sad that we have people in our life we call family who are supposed to love us unconditionally, but turn their backs when they can't see past what they think is "right" She's the one who lost out, not you.

  9. Just because you write what you feel doesn't mean you are not a decent person. Mourn what your grandmother missed out on, a grandson who is worthy and has enough kindness to wish the grandmother who didn't have time for him peace in the ever after. Your post was well written and I felt your heart in it. I'm sorry for her and for you, for what could have been. God bless Jamie.

  10. I just discovered your blog - you are an honest and talented writer!
    This post really touched me. Your Grandmother seems to have missed out a relationship with a pretty great grandson...