Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Down today....

I think it was waking up with this... okay, for lack of a better word, low level horniness that has since departed and left me feeling bad. Two nasty emails later and I am just FML! I am not usually one to let things get to me. I think I am just too subborn to let any bastards grind me down, but some days you just give people to much power, even if you don't want to.
I came out in my last year of middle school. Yeah, I had a bit of a fuck-you complex going on. I was in your face, purple wearing, rainbow flag on my back pack and belt to match around my tight EMO jeans. I spoke with the royal "we" as if I spoke for the gay nation as a whole. Basically trying to find my place, as we all are at that age. I started and urged the joining of GSA despite the prinicipal being dead set against it. Did I mention I got beat up? I know, you are shocked. But, I also got "dates". Bi-curious guys mostly into experimenting. Not that any of them would admit to it. First guy who ever I ever did stuff with poured piss through the slits of my locker two years later. Guys have fragile little egos, well, teens in general, but nothing makes a guy more nervous than the idea that people might question his masculinity.
Oooo, now I know why I am feeling this way, shit psychology is strange. Has to be because of the bf, and thinking about his family. See, above incident (piss) was perputrated by 4 guys. My parents were more than a little upset about the incident. I'm generally not a snitch, but when piss gets dumped over books and my brand new leather jacket, and the school insists on yours truly replacing said books, despite witnesses of the event... well, the parentals get involved. Most of the kids parents were pissed at the kids, and three of the four parents paid to replace everything damaged. One set of parents thought it was my fault, and the prinicipal actually said the same thing in private ot my father, that if I was not so "flamboyant" that these kind of things would not happen, etc, etc.
Anyway, that kid never did the forced apology, and the parents never paid up the money for destroyed crap. That kid... my bf D's little brother. THose are the bf's parents. He did not come out until two years ago and in University. He has an okay relationship with them, but I am the first guy he has ever brought home to meet them. I think they were more okay with the idea of him being gay than the reality of being introduced to the high school fag boy.
Truth is, we've been fighting off and on since the holidays. Shit, I never realized how much it bothered me until I wrote it all down. There is something to be said for purging the mind via blogs I guess. Biggest thing I have to decide now is how much this shit does bother me.

1 comment:

  1. I feel your pain relationship wise. My bf and i fight on and off all the time and sometimes I wonder when and if I will ever get fed up with it. I'm sure things will work out for you though! And I hope your mother is doing better!